I Stand Up, You Sit Down

Surreal is the only way to describe the evening. Going to a gay club on a Saturday night is not the best way for a heterosexual male to spend his time. None the less, I was called out. My lesbian friends enjoy an evening of marijuana, clubs, and drinks while myself enjoys a cold Shiner Bock, maybe a quiet bar, or some internet porn. I won't lie. This is the animal I created.

The animal got dragged out of his cage that night to spend time with friends of a completely different spectrum. Que in my best friends girlfriend. She was always shy and quiet. You know the type. The one nervously shuffling her feet at the sight of strangers. The one making beeline to the sight of a familiar face. Because of this, I never really got to see or get to know her really. Not that it's my place to know her, just that it made situations with her and my best friend a little awkward. Before this night I would try and talk to her since I know how their household can be a little daunting with the kids running around and it being the bonafide training ground for smartass remarks and quick comebacks. We would have pretty good talk with the cacophony in the air and maybe understood a little more how there was so much wasted time not hanging out.

So the girls invited me out that night, they were a little excited about it. Imagine a hardcore cowboy getting sucked to roller disco and you can understand. The night was pretty fun and I had a pretty good time. I just drank a couple of beers a had some laughs. A guy did hit on me which would be uncomfortable for any straight guy, but I can understand the dilemma. I am a sexy son of a bitch.

A couple of beers and your hero has to go to the restroom. This is easier said than done. Logistically, the bathroom is located on the other side of the bar. In between you and your destination is a horde of drunken, sexually liberal, weeble-wables to make your passage annoying. Lets say you do navigate this rough terrain. At the destination are a bunch of gay guys pissing where you are. As open-minded as I am, you have to pay for the pleasure of my show. No horny drunk dude is going to be checking out my penis without serious green. Option number two is to hold it for 2+ hours and jump around like a jackass. Option number three is the unisex bathroom.

The concept of a unisex bathroom has to be a part of some complex social experiment. The idea of a guy and a girl pissing, shitting, vomiting, ect.....in the same room blows my fucking mind.

Best Friends Girl- So you need to go?
Me- Yeah....you said unisex?
BFG- Uh-huh...It's right there.....you okay?
Me- Um....yeah....
BFG- Tell you what. I have to go to.

She then takes my hand and drags me into the bathroom.

At first I am nervous. The place was dark, thank God, and not many people in there. Actually everyone shuffled out when we both got there. She made a stop at the stall. The music was reverbing within the wall making a dull humming sound. I am now standing at a urinal and before I know it, instinct takes over. I start taking a leak. BFG starts yell from the stall making small talk, and strangely enough, I start joining in. Now I'm washing my hands when BFG starts showing up behind me. She starts talking to me and then drops the hammer. She calls me a bitch.

Me-WHAT?!
BFG-Yeah you're a bitch.
Me-WHAT?! You got some nerve calling me that "Miss eyes glued to your shoes".

Smiles start to break.

BFG- Noooo....you were a bitch acting like a jerk to me all the time.

(*note* there is a difference between me acting like a jerk and me acting like an asshole. Me acting like a jerk to you means I like you a lot. You are a cool person. Thumbs up to you motherfucker. When I act like an asshole, you are probably a scum sucking piece of shit. I probably hate you and wish some sort of life threatening disease upon you. In the past, I acted like a jerk to BFG)

Me- Yeah that was just me breaking the ice. You should've already known that. I like you, I think you pretty damn cool.
BFG- I don't get along with a lot of people and I could tell right off the bat that I would get along with you.
Me- Aww...come here
BFG- Aww...

(a hug comes next and we walk out of the restroom into the noise)

We both had just shared a moment (and a movement none the less) in a unisex bathroom. When I walked out, I had just realized what had happened. Two people of the opposite sex just went to the bathroom five feet from each other. I needed another drink.