Despite A Complete Lack Of Respect For Authority.....

......I'm OK. Anyone wondering what happened, it was just a royal pain in the ass. I pull up for work and have my smoke outside. A cop shows up. I soon find out that a day of bullshit is started because of a suspicious package. We end up getting trapped inside so the "contamination won't spread". To where I'm not sure. Contamination IS our specialty by the way. You people would really drop your jaw if you realized how many HIV, clap, syphilis, mono, and just about every illness you can think of that you can put it in a tube, cup, or swab. Now everyone is freaking out because no one knows what the fuck this package is. Thin clinical masks are swapped around and everyone is a little too chatty for my taste. My work day has effectively started while I'm trapped with a bunch of annoying women stuck in the lab who laugh at everything and anything possible. Now I want to drive nails into my skull. We are sitting around for a while with this spirit crushing ambiance all over waiting for someone with some sort of authority to tell us what to do. A peak out the window revealed local cops, a haz-mat truck, and someone saw someone in a suit (I guess that passes for the FBI these days. Those guys ALWAYS wear suits right? Right? Fucking morons.) pegging them as FBI.

FBI was there though. I would hope so with the current climate of fear in the country regarding terrorism. Look as sarcastic as I can get, I really did want them there. For points including:

1. I thought they were a pretty solid establishment.
2. It would mean all that fucking money dumped into Homeland Security is not being dropped down the fiscal toilet.

How little did I fucking know?

FBI actually called us and asked if the company could inspect the package. That's right. They wanted the COMPANY to inspect the suspicious package. I would think this is ironic if the situation didn't deem itself as fantastically stupid. Maybe they were bored and thought that question was supposed to be funny. I wasn't laughing.

Scratch one authority figure.

After a while, guys in huge haz-mat suits (picture the guys who captured E.T) walking to the back. The cop who came into the place previously was stuck with us. He was just as bored as us, and started to talk about when he was with the fire department....oh say.....fucking years ago. Picture a guy with a badge, filling a bunch of nervous girls heads with tales of full decon. We might all have to strip down and get fully decontaminated. We might have to throw out our clothes. We might let some strange guy in a bubble suit stare at our shit while hosing us down. We might....We might......because this guy was in the fire department. The end result of this was a bunch of girls not wanting to get decon'd for anything.

Scratch two.

Full decon. I was ready for it. At this point, I realized that a shitty night was going to be had by the night crew and I would do anything to get out of a building full of retards for the gold and glory of a Camel light. They finally get us outside in a line with the nervous tittering of the women and their relentless resistance to the whole getting naked concept. Now some haz-mat official comes up to us and lets us know that you can waver the decon, but if you come down with something, it's your ass. Some girl is asking if we get naked for the decon. The man gets a weird look on his face. Breaking it down, he informed us it was light decon. Face and arms were the only areas to be sprayed. No playgirl cover shoot for me. Fuck it all......I had my cigarrette and was a content as a clam. Now there was more waiting. A guy came up and made us sign some forms for the decon. They were now breaking down the tent and the guys with the E.T. suits were taking them off. The kicker was a man who came down with an industrial cylinder containing what appeared to be baby wipes. He started to pass them around. What about the decon you ask? Well......the wipes were it.

Third scratch is a charm.