Incriminating Evidence

There is something I need to clear up here. This is normally stupid to put this on the web with God and anyone to see, but truth be told, I just need to get the record straight. It involves a pretty girl, vomit, Goldslager, a skirt, yours truly, and the most vile and embarrassing subject for a woman to do.
I'm at my bar looking around for a place to sit. The place was crowded and we were standing around with no place to park when ::cue angelic choir and lighting expert:: SHE blurted out my name. Cody. Not sidekick, no laughing at me with her mouth covered. Just Cody. Holy shit. Maybe I don't have to tell the joke. She was sitting down at the booth with some of her friends. "Just looking for a place to sit. It's fucking crowded in here."
"You can sit down here if you want."
Then she started to introduce me to all her friends as "Sidekick". Now I wanted to kick puppies. The joke had to be told. It was not in a malicious way. Sort of the way you try and break the ice sorta way with a little sprinkle of "I hate that name" thrown in there. It worked. The ice was broken and it was a pretty good time. 2:00 AM rolls around and the typical, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WE ARE DOING THIS goes on for what seems to be 30 minutes. My buddy blurts out "We are going back to my place if you all want to come." The trap is set and apparently they take it. Little did we know that the trap was on us. I am tired but try and remain interested as they are taking shots of Goldslager back to back. It is obvious that these girls are getting fucked up a little too quickly. Basic motor skills have been forgotten and the gravity on earth has doubled for them. Staying in a chair or couch becomes an arduous task for them. The night as I knew it was going be a whole lot longer from here on out.

::cut scene pan right to bed with Cody holding the angelic girl's head in a wastebasket::

The smell is strong and there are times I gag. I have been through this before. Sometimes I have been the guy puking. She is lying on the bed with her head over the side. Vomit ends up on my arm and pant leg. I'm there just kinda like some motivation coach, rubbing her shoulders and head tell her she is doing great. The dry heaving starts up. I know after this hill it is smooth sailing for her. She is wearing a short plaid skirt that is hiked up a little too high. I do the nervous head turn back focusing all my attention to our little game of vomit pachenko. Then it happens.

I can't even believe it. Her butt is about three feet from my face when it happens. She let it out. The fart. I had no idea women were capable of doing that. There must be some sort of safety catch for the these built in. You can expect this from a guy hands down but not a girl. Not just any girl for that matter. A girl whose walk commands a beam from heaven every where she goes. Not just once either. Three times and everyone of them were slips from puking at the same time.

There is the infamous story. I have received so much shit from this story it is ridiculous. I guarantee that a game of "telephone" is going to happen with the story is manipulated for people to get their best chuckles. Fuck you guys. It happened like this. I think I'll invite her to the beach next weekend. I just have to keep her away from the Goldslager.